Five Questions That Helped Me Stop Struggling to Ask for Help

Have you ever found yourself struggling rather than asking someone for help?

I have.

I could help other people quite happily. But when I needed something, my mind suddenly became extremely creative. They might be busy. I might inconvenience them. They might say no. I might owe them. Perhaps I should just manage it myself.

Eventually I had to question the logic, because I was deciding the answer before I had even asked the question.

These are the five questions that helped me.

1 Surely I am not the only helpful person on earth

I help people because I want to and because I can.

I am not maintaining a private spreadsheet of favours, repayment dates and interest charges. Who has time for that?

If I can help somebody without treating it as a debt, surely I am not the only helpful person on earth. Other people may also be generous. They may have the time, knowledge or access to make something easier for me.

2 Am I deciding that I will inconvenience them

“They might be busy”.

It is a possibility, not a fact. I do not know their diary, capacity or willingness better than they do.

I can explain what I need and trust them to be adult enough to decide whether it works for them. Calculating the inconvenience on their behalf is still me making their decision.

3 Am I treating a request like a demand

A request allows the other person to say yes or no.

If I believe asking means they must agree, then of course it will feel uncomfortable. But that is not a request. That is a demand wearing a polite outfit.

My responsibility is to ask. Their responsibility is to answer.

I also had to examine whether I could receive a no without turning it into rejection, embarrassment or evidence that I should never have asked.

4 Why am I only imagining that they will say no

They might say no. They might also say yes.

If I arrive with zero, ask for ten and leave with zero, I am no worse off than before I asked.

But what if they offer five? What if they introduce me to somebody who can help? What if the problem becomes easier because I finally say it out loud?

When I do not ask, the answer is already no because I have answered for them.

5 Why am I frightened of owing people

This was probably my biggest struggle.

What if they later needed something I could not provide? What if I could not repay the favour properly?

Then I had to ask whether I believed everyone I helped owed me. Usually, I did not. I helped because I wanted to, because I could or because their need mattered to me.

Assuming everybody else was keeping a tally was my projection, not necessarily their reality.

Asking does not guarantee a yes. It simply means you stop choosing no on somebody else's behalf.

CTA: Which of these five questions describes what makes asking difficult for you? Share this with somebody who is currently carrying too much alone.

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